Wednesday, 6 December 2017
Kerana rasa ini anugerah
Aku cuma bimbang tersalah memberi hati
Bimbang terluka lagi
Lama kututup jendela hati ini
Lama hingga usang dan tidak lagi yang berani mengetuk, apatah lagi menghuni
Dan dalam aku leka dengan menyulam cinta di lapangan hidupku, akhirnya ada yang sudi menjengah
Datang dengan senyuman yang pada mata hitamku, dia ikhlas menyerah
Tunduk hormatnya tatkala pandangan saling bertaut, malah bersungguh membersihkan debu-debu usang yang bersarang di relung jiwa.
Di bibirnya tak terucap nada setia
Tetapi dibuktikan dengan restu dari bonda
Yang dipinta tanpa perlu bersulam manisnya janji yang entahkan terkota
Itu menguatkan lagi baik sangka
Bahawa niatnya mahu menjalin rasa
Bertunjangkan sebenar-benar rasa untuk yang Esa.
Namun entah kenapa
Tatkala tabir hari berganti purnama
Janji ikatan teguh dibina
Terasa dia mula berubah rupa
Daripada lelaki yang kuyakini keinginannya
Menjadi asing dan seperti tidak pernah berjumpa
Bicara juga lebih dingin jika dikirakan dengan embun malam sepertiga
Sepertinya aku yang beria-ia
Sedangkan dia semakin tak mengendah
Wujud atau tidak sama saja
Sedangkan dia yang menuntun agar segalanya disegera
Aku juga hilang kata
Di depan bonda
Di depan semua
Bila ditanya khabar berita
Bagaimana bisa aku berkongsi cerita
Jika denganku sendiri sudah besar jurang tercipta
Bukan tidak pernah kutanyakan padanya
Namun tak acuh sahaja lagaknya
Seperti berbicara atas urusan niaga
Dia semakin berahsia
Menerbitkan rasa gelisah di dada
Kuadukan pada temanku
Katanya berikan masa
Paling tidak hingga ke waktu yang dia janjikan
Biar selesai segala urusannya
Urusan dunia yang menangguhkan sebahagian kecukupan agama
Entahlah bila kan bertemu kesudahannya
Namun dalam doa tetap saja ratip harapku setia
Menguntai rayuan pada sang Pemberi Cinta
Moga dimudahkan segalanya
Kerana pada rapuhnya tegak seorang hamba,
Masih ampuhnya harapan dan doa
Andai ini benar untukku,
Kau mudahkanlah perjalanannya
Andai bukan untukku
Mudahkanlah hatiku untuk terus reda
Kerana aku yakin yang Kauizinkan untukku
Hanyalah kebaikan semata-mata
Sekalipun di persimpangan, pahitnya dugaan itu tak terkata
Dengan secebis iman yang masih tersisa,
Aku tahu Kau selalu ada.
Tuesday, 5 December 2017
If you are nothing to them, make yourself meaningful for your own goods. Your thoughts say pretty much everything about you. Your personality, your heart, your attitude, everything.
If they can be busy and forgot about you easily, make it easy for yourself too, by walking away. Give them spaces they wanted, don't ever force people to appreciate you if they doesn't want to, you worth more than the people's attention towards you. You need your own space too. Walk away, go somewhere and do something to make you forget about you being ignored and forgotten.
I begin to trust already, and the moment I bestow my heart, now I've been taken for granted, again. After I've made my mind to accept the hand for settle down, I am now forgotten, like this plan is never been made. Like I am not exist.
I thought its going to be a happy ending of me in this journey I never ask before, but now this is the greatest test I have to face right now. The pain I'm avoiding my entire life, the situation that is taboo for me to get involve with, and now it clings me all over the place. Those feelings I hate most, the feelings of a heart that changes.
Thursday, 2 February 2017
Whenever I mad at my 1 Ibnu Kathir students, right after I went back home, I'll burst out into tears. I realize the fact that I have so much flaws as their class teacher. I didn't get myself close to them as much as they wanted me to do so.
They are still new about this secondary high school. Not so much different with me as well.
From the very beginning of the class session, I already show up my fierceness towards them. I mad at them a lot, I strictly said what do's and dont's during in my class. And that's somehow put me further away from them.
I tried to be a good teacher. But I don't think I struggle it enough for them all. I want the good teacher title just to show to the other teachers and students that I'm that capable way of to. Not for the sake of my class students at all!!
Until today, I just realize that how I treat them all this while in this past a month, are actually hurt them too much. -Being too strict and fierce wouldn't make the students fall for you anyway.-They have the feelings that I didn't love them as much as the way I did to the students from another classes.
Dear 1 IBK 2017 Students, cikgu love you no matter what happen, cikgu will always care for you, for your personal wellbeing and your academic at school and in our classroom. InshaAllah I'll overcome my weaknesses and correct my mistake so that you'll feel loved at this school. I'll be the best teacher and mother for all of you here as much as I can.
O Allah, please forgive my sins towards them, and please guide me so that I can guide them sincerely from the bottom of my heart. I love all of you. All 32 of you.
Wednesday, 18 January 2017
Actually, tak suka nangis. Sangat-sangat tak suka. Hati pedih masa tu, mata sembab, sakit. Hidung berair, rimas. Tapi bila dipendam tangisan tu, hati makin meronta untuk dilepaskan. Maka di kelopak mata akan banjirnya hujan air mata.
Entahlah kenapa sejak dua menjak ni, hati makin sensitif. Depan orang bukan main lagi senyum, tunjuk happy, jadi happy go lucky, tapi bila malam, akan duduk diam-diam bawah selimut, kemudian episod air mata pun bermulalah dengan jayanya.
Kalau nak kata hilang pedoman, hari-hari dalam doa lepas sujud, "ya Allah kuatkanlah hati hamba, hapuskanlah segala duka, hilangkanlah segala prasangka, buangkanlah rasa perit dalam hati ini."
Tak bahagia ke? Tak tahulah. Tapi orang selalu cakap, kunci kebahagiaan terletak pada hati yang selalu bersyukur. Tak bersyukur ke aku ni?
Hurmmm.. tak tahulah. Tapi makin kuat mendidik hati untuk selalu cekal dan tabah, makin kuat pula emosi yang mencengkam di jiwa. Makin selalu rasa tersisih. Tak ada kawan bicara, tak ada teman berkongsi duka lara.
Ataukah aku ini yang terlalu nampak kuat dan bahagia di mata orang, sampai ada yang tak tahu, hati aku sedang porak peranda saat ini? :'(
Sunday, 15 January 2017
I'm not sure wether I am one of the narcissistic suffer. Its kinda a habit lately, since before actually, I love posting about myself on my social media account.
I love sharing my thoughts, things I like, I enjoy doing, and my life. Most of the time I love writing poetic words on facebook and instagram to express my feelings and gratitude on something or someone.
Since before, most of my friends will find me with their problems to share heart to heart talk. I don't mind at all listening to them, I promise! But sometimes I do need someone to listen to my stories too.
I did approach them once in a while. But they seems to have no time to spare it for me since they are busy with their life commitment. They did listen to me at times but it has always been ended up hangover.
I know, spiritually, even in our religion belief, we have God as the Most Listening of all. We should rely only on Him to give in our heart and tears only for Him. But sometimes I do really need a human being to hear my voice. Not only as an advisor, not only as a listener, but as much as someone who want to talk too.
Please do ask me if I'm ok on that particular day. Please spare your ears to listen, and be my advisor like I ever do to you.
I admit that I'm willingly to listen up to you guys not because I demand the same thing from y'all. But there are times when I have to face the ups and downs in my life, in my heart that I essentially need somebody to share the feelings with me, too.
People thought I'm always happy with those smiles I show off to, with my positive and inspiring post on my fb timeline. But deep inside I'm broken, I feel lonely. Nobody wanna ask me about me, yet no one ever wonder what is happening in my life in this past few years.
Some people are desperately need the care, advices, they have fears that they are afraid of to endure it all by themselves. They need friends from the bottom of their heart to share it with. But they just didn't know how to start as most people are acting cold to them. They are wary of rejection. Sometimes they cannot handle it anymore. Its just about to blow out.
And they really need helps to soothe it down.
Dear my beloved friends, the only small circle of friends I only have. I do really need you :'(.
Wednesday, 28 December 2016
Just a friendly reminder to myself and all.
You can never lie to your mom.
It's either you couldn't do it or your mom knows you are lying to her.
It's either throug the way you speak, or the sounds of your speech, or even the glance you show through your eyes.
She knew it.
Even you are telling her or not. She will always knows.
She knows your attitude, what do you like and hate, how do you react, since you live in her womb from the very beginning.
So never lie to her. Don't even think about it.
I love you, mom. ♥ :')